Million word year: 250K Complete. I have steak fatigue.

This year I have challenged myself to write one million words of fiction. I’m sure I’ll be glad I did it once it is done, but for now it’s a real pain in my hind parts.

I feel like someone who has finished a delicious steak and then declared, loudly, “I could eat that every day of my life!” only to be overheard by a young and peevish genie who forces them to do exactly that.

Breakfast? Steak. Lunch? Steakey-steak. Dinner? Get ready, guts. Here comes the meat shower.

So, yeah. I have steak fatigue. But this is happening, guys.

Come hell on a bike or the creek rise past the barn, this is happening.

I’m Your Republican Boyfriend and After a Lengthy Investigation I Have Concluded That I Did Not Make Out with Sarah

I have found no evidence that I made out with “Sarah,” if that’s even a person’s name. Perhaps there was some bad judgment, like when I accidentally took off my shirt. But bad judgment, as we all know, does not a slobbery-frantic makeout sesh make.

I went to Skylar’s party at 8:00. Sarah might have been there at that time. I don’t even know for sure. Skylar’s mom made some pieces of bread that had been cooked in eggs. Have you ever heard of that? I heard someone say it’s French.

I was looking for the bathroom, but not the bathroom on the main level. It was hot upstairs, so I lifted my shirt a bit to cool off. But because I’ve been working so hard on my upper body I actually—accidentally—pulled the shirt right up over my head. At that point, this so-called “Sarah” person—who was probably trying to rob the place, truth be told—bumped into me with her face.

At that time she was poking her tongue out because she’d just heard someone mention open relationships. She apparently hates those just like we do. Anyway, she was making a “Bleaaugh!” sound and poking her tongue out.

I know. It’s laughable that anyone thinks this whole mess could be construed as making out. But we, our fraternity, conducted an investigation anyway.

I assume you saw my tweet last night, where I, in all-caps, underlined the lack of said makeout sesh? You can’t tweet something in all caps unless it’s true. That’s a fact.

FRATERNITY COMMITTEE HAS, AFTER A 14-HOURS LONG IN-DEPTH INVESTIGATION, FOUND NO EVIDENCE OF CANOODLING OR SMOOCHIFICATION BETWEEN THE REPUBLICAN BOYFRIEND AND SARAH THE VOLLEYBALL PLAYER

Just listen to my fraternity brothers, Brad, Cody, and The Other Brad from San Diego. They will tell you how hard they investigated. What did they find? Bupkis!

Text Brad right now and ask him. Either Brad. They both know. Cody’s out of data for this month so he might not reply. But he knows too.

There might be a second report coming from certain members of a certain sorority to which you may belong. There might even be a short video which has been posted on a social media site. This can be safely ignored now that you have all the facts. Remember: video can be easily edited to show anything at all.

I have also made a list of recommendations for you going forward, which you will receive in the coming days. Study them carefully. It’s for our relationship’s benefit which is paramount to me.

One more thing: remember that I have choir tonight which has been moved to one of the rooms in the gym after volleyball practice. I will see you tomorrow!

MidSouthCon 36 (2018) Wrapup

I’ve been to MidSouthCon two times previously, but this was my first trip purely as a vendor. I wasn’t sure what to expect in terms of book sales, given that I wasn’t paneling at all, but it was Kool and the Gang.

As with every one of these we go to, we made a bunch of new friends. I wish we’d gotten to do more con stuff, but we wanted to sell books, so we had to be in the vendor hall. I stopped by the video gaming room to see if anyone was playing Rocket League but no dice. Shame.

New for this conference was the Santa vs. Krampus table runner, which I think made a big difference. It’s easier to read a big banner like that than it is to read the cover of a book, of course. It’s my unscientific impression that twice as many people stopped to check out our wares as compared with Connooga when we didn’t have the runner yet.

Here’s our setup in the vendor hall:

Our booth neighbors were Titivilus Press, who had a tabletop letterpress machine on their table. Michael and I nerded out about type, Clickspring, and printing. He also had some vintage stuff that had to be twice as old as we are. He and Tia were great fun. Check out their site here: https://titiviluspress.com/

Meghann baked a big tub of oatmeal & dark chocolate cookies which were very well received, but the phenomenon I described from Connooga was reinforced here. I don’t think a single book buyer ate a cookie, and I don’t think a single cookie eater bought a book. They’re apparently just two completely different subsections of the populace.

I watched fellow humorous scifi/fantasy Dave Schroeder (http://www.xenotechsupport.com/) across the aisle from us giving away bookmarks all weekend, though, and those seemed well received. I think we’re going to dispense with the snacks and do bookmarks next. Here’s Dave’s setup:

As you can see, Dave has some banners behind his table in addition to a couple of table runners and some nicer book stands. We’re going to get some of those things going for ourselves as well. A stand-up banner is definitely next on the list.

Meghann was Hermione on Friday:

We had a lot of fun. Of course, in addition to the con, we went into town to eat some Gus’s Fried Chicken. That was high on my priority list, even though we have a location in Atlanta now. We also got in a run at Wolf River Greenway. Last time I ran there it had just flooded and was a mess. It was nice to come back and experience it when the trails were actually passable.

We also walked down Beale St. just to say we did, but we went early so the crazies weren’t out too much yet. It’s always a charge for me to see W.C. Handy’s house on the eastern end of the Beale entertainment area. The historical markers along Beale are super interesting as well.

We had a great conversation about snakes with our Lyft driver on the way home. She has been killing snakes around her house and is annoyed that she has mice. We advocated maybe letting the snakes live so they’d eat the mice, but this advice didn’t seem to land. Sorry, snakes. We tried.

On Saturday we were back at the book sales game. As you can see here, nearly half the cookies are gone and we’re sold out of Santa vs. Krampus. I wish I had brought twice as many books.

We’ve also been advertising free high fives, which are fun. Lots of people are amused that we high five them, but again, I don’t recall a single high fiver buying a book or vice versa. Still, it’s good to be silly.

Meghann was Rey on Saturday which was very well received. She got her picture taken a bunch of times. She put a lot of time into this costume and I think people could really tell.

We had a great weekend. As I said at the top, I think with some continued refinement we will be selling more per event. We’re super charged up about the results from this one. I just wish I’d brought more Santa vs. Krampus copies. The table runner helped. Stand up banners and bookmarks are our next avenues of investment.

In the future, we can save ourselves the time and effort of bringing cookies. That’ll save me the guilt after I eat a dozen or so myself.

Connooga 2018 Wrapup

We spent the weekend knocking around Chattanooga for Connooga 2018, which was a lot of fun. My wife Meghann’s desire to cosplay is growing with every one of these cons we attend. The only thing that’s holding her back now is free time. I keep telling her she’d make a great Rey.

Thanks so much to Shon who put the author & literary tracks together. He did a great job and panels were well attended with lots of interested and highly literate attendees. It’s a great pleasure to be among so many other writers and readers.

I’d planned to bring some cookies to entice potential readers, but we didn’t have time to make them, so instead, I set up my table and put out a chocolate heart with a sign inviting people to please eat the chocolates.

Scientific Book Research

Most of the authors I know who do tables like this have some sort of giveaway thing to offer people who stop by. Some do bookmarks, but I see a lot of little bowls of candy. Mind you, when I spot the candy bowls I gobble it down with loud smacking sounds and pronouncements of “HOMPF OMP SO GOOD.”

More than once one of my colleagues has had to ask me to please leave and stop eating up all their freebies. A couple of those times it was because I ate one of their books by mistake. Oops.

Anyway, I decided to try the free candy myself. Lots of people grabbed a piece, which is good because that’s another piece of candy I didn’t eat myself. Also, lots of people were kind enough to buy books, take a card, or sign up for the mailing list which are all highly appreciated acts for which those humans will later be immortalized in statue.

But the Venn diagram looks like this.

Interesting, right?

Chattanooga

From having spent the weekend walking around Chattanooga it’s plain to me that someone thinks the city will soon be very full of people. We stayed in a little section that resembled any urban area: buildings overhead with shops on the ground level. The only difference was that the shops had no one in them.

The coffee place had 4-5 employees but we were the only customers. The streets, also, were mostly empty. If you want to cross Broad street, the big double avenue that terminates at the Aquarium, you can press a button to ask the light to change, or you can just walk across because there is no traffic.

They put huge cool murals on the outsides of their parking decks. They must think someone will come look at them.

On Friday I had a panel with Gil Hough on Self Publishing, which was good fun. Check out Gil’s work here. Unfortunately for Gil he had to endure more panels with me over the course of the weekend as well. As far as I know he has survived.

On Friday night we walked up Broad Street and over the pedestrian bridge that crosses the Tennessee river, then grabbed some dinner at Beast & Barrel. They had andouille sausage on the menu, so, in accordance with the laws of the universe, I ate it. It was delicious.

The pedestrian bridge is pretty cool. It was full of groups of people, families, kids running about. I’d say it was my favorite thing about the city, second only to hanging around my fellow scifi/fantasy fans.

On Saturday morning we had a run around the city, then I tweeted this photo with the assertion that the sculpture in question is called “Buy Jim’s Books.” I lied. It’s actually called “Continuum.”

We grabbed some breakfast at the Bitter Alibi, which was delicious, then headed back down to the Convention Center. I had a panel with Dan Jolley who was great fun. Check out his work here: Enter the Jollyverse (his word, not mine, but I think it’s hilarious).

I also met fellow authors David Joel Stevenson, Kenyon T. Henry, and ran into Michael D’Ambrosio whom I met a couple of years ago at Midsouth Con.

It was a great weekend and we can’t wait to come back next year. Thanks again to Shon who put the author track together and did a great job with it. If you’re in the area, put it on your calendar for 2019.

For those of you who bought books or signed up on the mailing list, thank you so much. Your support means a lot to authors. More than I can possibly tell you. Which is why I will now show you using the medium of interpretive dance- Hey, get back here.

2018 goal: ten books, 1 million words

One wisdom oft heard in the indie publishing industry is that we should write fast, write to market, and write in a series. The theory goes that more books in a series make it more attractive to the reader. I intend to spend this year putting it to the test.

I got into Terry Pratchett’s Discworld series late, but when I did I was glad to see so many books. I also recall waiting with fingers aflutter for Robert Jordan’s tenth book in his 6-book Wheel of Time series. That series, if I recall correctly, fetched up in the end at 14 books. Hitchhiker’s Guide was a “trilogy in four parts,” when the fourth book came out, then 5 parts, etc. Good times.

Numbers are hard.

A million words sounds like a lot, and it is. Broken down to weekdays it comes out at about 3800 words per work day. But at this rate, I’d have no wiggle room for contingencies. So, it’s 5000 words per week day for me.

Here’s a link to a chart that will show how I’m doing.

Right now it’s a little bit of a struggle to make that happen every working day, but it’s true that one big difference between me and authors making a lot more money than I am is that they simply have more books. Take a look at Robert Bevan’s excellent catalog, or Christopher Moore, or Barry Hutchinson. Do look at all those authors. They’re hilarious.

My plan was to keep writing one-offs until one seemed like it took off and then follow that with sequels, but I’m led to understand that sometimes a series doesn’t take off until there are five or more books in it.

Breakfast Serial

I’m going to start by writing a lot in the Santa vs. Krampus series. It has 92% positive reviews and 75% five star reviews, so that’s encouraging.

Regardless, 2018 should be an interesting year. I just delivered the 3rd book in the Santa vs. Krampus series to the editors and expect to have that out in a couple of weeks while I write the fourth one.

Thanks for reading. It means a lot. For me this is a dream, a privilege, and my job.

If you want to stay up to date on these doings and all the releases planned for this year, one great way to do that is to join my mailing list.

20 – Jeremy Hicks and Begone Xenomorons

I met Jeremy when we were both panelists at a science fiction conference. I believe it might have been JordanCon. We ended up being buddies.

Jeremy recently had the honor of being the Artist Guest at HallowCon, which was also attended by past podcast guest Bobby Nash. Jeremy is the author of the Cycle of Ages saga as well as screenplays, poems, all manner of whatnot. Thrilled to have him as a guest.

Find him on his website here: https://jjeremyhicks.com/
On Facebook here: https://www.facebook.com/JeremyHicksAuthor/

Thanks for listening!

19 – Spoiler Alert – Ready Player One

This is a new style of The Outliners I’m calling Spoiler Alert. There are spoilers in it. Watch out.

I thought it might be helpful to take some popular works and break them down into their composite parts. We spend a lot of time going the other direction with our authors, making them come up with an outline. I wanted to try going the other way.

The only thing is, this requires us to talk about the entire story. If you don’t want the plot of Ready Player One to be spoiled for you, don’t listen.

Let me know what you think about this, and check out my new book, Santa Suits, now up for pre-order.