I’m Your Republican Boyfriend and After a Lengthy Investigation I Have Concluded That I Did Not Make Out with Sarah

I have found no evidence that I made out with “Sarah,” if that’s even a person’s name. Perhaps there was some bad judgment, like when I accidentally took off my shirt. But bad judgment, as we all know, does not a slobbery-frantic makeout sesh make.

I went to Skylar’s party at 8:00. Sarah might have been there at that time. I don’t even know for sure. Skylar’s mom made some pieces of bread that had been cooked in eggs. Have you ever heard of that? I heard someone say it’s French.

I was looking for the bathroom, but not the bathroom on the main level. It was hot upstairs, so I lifted my shirt a bit to cool off. But because I’ve been working so hard on my upper body I actually—accidentally—pulled the shirt right up over my head. At that point, this so-called “Sarah” person—who was probably trying to rob the place, truth be told—bumped into me with her face.

At that time she was poking her tongue out because she’d just heard someone mention open relationships. She apparently hates those just like we do. Anyway, she was making a “Bleaaugh!” sound and poking her tongue out.

I know. It’s laughable that anyone thinks this whole mess could be construed as making out. But we, our fraternity, conducted an investigation anyway.

I assume you saw my tweet last night, where I, in all-caps, underlined the lack of said makeout sesh? You can’t tweet something in all caps unless it’s true. That’s a fact.

FRATERNITY COMMITTEE HAS, AFTER A 14-HOURS LONG IN-DEPTH INVESTIGATION, FOUND NO EVIDENCE OF CANOODLING OR SMOOCHIFICATION BETWEEN THE REPUBLICAN BOYFRIEND AND SARAH THE VOLLEYBALL PLAYER

Just listen to my fraternity brothers, Brad, Cody, and The Other Brad from San Diego. They will tell you how hard they investigated. What did they find? Bupkis!

Text Brad right now and ask him. Either Brad. They both know. Cody’s out of data for this month so he might not reply. But he knows too.

There might be a second report coming from certain members of a certain sorority to which you may belong. There might even be a short video which has been posted on a social media site. This can be safely ignored now that you have all the facts. Remember: video can be easily edited to show anything at all.

I have also made a list of recommendations for you going forward, which you will receive in the coming days. Study them carefully. It’s for our relationship’s benefit which is paramount to me.

One more thing: remember that I have choir tonight which has been moved to one of the rooms in the gym after volleyball practice. I will see you tomorrow!

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